I am what I am. Its what we know right? For many my years I have looked for the chemical problem I may have. But like a lightning strike hitting I found something new. I see its not chemical its mental. I am what I make myself. My answer quantum mechanics, deeper then chemical. Its the synapses of my brain trained to do what it does. To think my goal and my hobby would entwine in such a way. It all hit me when I opened a gate, my own backyard gate. My brain was trained to to push it so I can pull up the latch. But has not been retrained to just lift the latch. This shadows a hope on help, a self preserving hope. Now I see what I have hidden in, the thing that makes everything go away. Now not a place to hide but the answer.