why do we have to remember the good times when they hurt so much

I miss my best friend, the person that I hold most dear. But for some reason has stopped speaking to me. I'm extremely confused and very sad if not more depressed. I just don't know what happened. Now I don't know what to do. I'm kind of lost without her, without even saying anything just her siting next to me makes the shit I deal with day in and out like it never existed. And the worst of it and this is hard to say but shes the only person I have ever loved. I didn't even know how it felt to feel that till I met her. Now I fear to never have that back.

Another year and I'm still hear. Not really fighting the good fight but enough to scrape by. Lets start with whats the same. I still cut (just a little more then normal), I still am in school, and all around still screwed up in the head. Whats new I smoke like a chimney, and drink like a fish. So far the end of last year and the beginning of this one have been hard. I lack the will most have to keep going, thus wishing to die at most moments. Or a careless demeanor to most parts of life. But on the bright side I have some of the greatest friends you could have. I physically am well, I have most the things I want and have the appearance of being somewhat fine with life. But thats really just a farce I really lack the energy to keep up for to much longer. I feel strong emotions now which is a very odd and somewhat new feeling to me. So pretty much I have no idea whats happening or whats going to happen. So thats your update for now.

What can I say things are fucked up. Life seems its getting harder and shorter. Half the time I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m so stressed most the time that I randomly throw up, get dizzy, and get sick. This year has been by far my worst, but also my best. I know that sounds impossible but its true. Since last December I have been hospitalized about 5 times. And every time I went I have gotten worse, from their not caring, or fucking up my meds. I had many dark moments and a few really great moments. I made a friend that gets me, yes another human that understands me. I now try to think of the up side of things, but that’s hard when your not right in the head. Things seem not to be well for my close friends as well. Making it hard to really blow off to much steam. But hey that’s my beautiful mess I call life.

I am what I am. Its what we know right? For many my years I have looked for the chemical problem I may have. But like a lightning strike hitting I found something new. I see its not chemical its mental. I am what I make myself. My answer quantum mechanics, deeper then chemical. Its the synapses of my brain trained to do what it does. To think my goal and my hobby would entwine in such a way. It all hit me when I opened a gate, my own backyard gate. My brain was trained to to push it so I can pull up the latch. But has not been retrained to just lift the latch. This shadows a hope on help, a self preserving hope. Now I see what I have hidden in, the thing that makes everything go away. Now not a place to hide but the answer.